We’ve all been there, waiting for that perfect moment to arrive, convinced that it would bring us happiness.
“I just want to be happy.”
“If I just pass this exam I’ll be happy.”
“If I just get this promotion I’ll be happy”
“If my mortgage was paid off I’d be happy.”
“If I could just get on the football team I’d be happy”
As if happiness depended on “if, then” condition statements. I bet you’ve discovered by now that any xyz condition does not truly bring you happiness. In fact, research suggests that external circumstances only account for a small percentage of our overall happiness.
Imagine if what you thought you knew about happiness was all wrong. What if happiness is not some esoteric emotional state that you chase, but rather, a science that you can recreate everyday on your own, creating real lasting happiness and meaning?
Happiness does not have to be some elusive emotion forever disappearing behind the horizon. Join me in this exploration on how to grow and cultivate real, lasting happiness in your life.
There are several key areas that effect your happiness including your mindset, relationships, inner purpose, and even faith.
Do Not Chase Butterflies. Grow a Garden and Let Them Come.
What is Happiness?
Those 3 words can open up a PhD thesis, there is so much to understand about what happiness is, yet it is seemingly a very simple thing. Happiness can at times seem difficult to define. In my search for an exact definition I came across multiple different theories, or definitions, of how happiness might be articulated.
The different theories and definitions that describe happiness are:
- Subjective Well-Being
- Hedonic Happiness
- Eudaimonic Happiness
- PERMA Model
- Philosophical Definitions
- Flow
- Stoicism
- Maslow’s Hierarchy
- Hedonic Treadmill
Subjective Well Being
A sense of subjective well being is a self reported evaluation of one’s overall quality of life. This typically includes their assessment of their emotional state, social relationships, work-life balance, sometimes a sense of agency, etc.
Hedonic Happiness
Hedonic happiness is regarded by many to not actually be true happiness as it is directly related to pleasure. This would include things such as eating baked goods, chocolate, candy, that relaxed feeling of sitting on the couch doing nothing, sex, shopping, drugs such as alcohol, smoking, and of course more sinister drugs as well.
Hedonic happiness, or pleasure, is hijacking the brains’ dopamine reward system, and this is always short lived.
Eudiamonic Happiness
Eudiamonic happiness is essentially the opposite of hedonic happiness. Eudiamonia embodies happiness through a sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, purpose, and a meaningful life.
It is the opposite of hedonic happiness because it requires work, struggle, perhaps a bit of stress, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, challenge and actual discomfort.
You can attain Eudiamonic happiness a number of ways, but the general framework is to attain meaningful personal growth over time, within one’s moral rule base. If you have a set of moral beliefs and a goal oriented life whereby you work hard to achieve said goals in succession and with integrity, with each achievement you add to your sense of eudiamonic happiness.
Some examples including:
- Putting yourself on a healthy diet, exercising every day, and then 2 years later comparing your measurements (weight, waist:hip ratio, BMI, body fat percentage) and physique, and having a deep sense of accomplishment, gratitude, and joy at what your labour has produced.
- Going to school for a professional degree (lawyer, nurse, accountant, carpenter, plumber, electrician, etc), diligently attending class, taking notes, studying, etc. You feel stress from exams, frustrations while struggling to finish assignments, projects and papers. You have to sacrifice short term hedonic parties and TV-show-binging in favour of studying and going to class. At the end of your 2-4 year program you graduate and get a well paying job that give you a road to financial independence. You’ll have a great sense of achievement, a radiating joy that lasts for months, and even years sometimes.
You gain a sense of personal agency, that when you set your mind and efforts on a goal you can achieve it, and that goal unlocks more future potential for you.
This is Eudiamonic Happiness – joy through purpose, fulfillment, and accomplishment.
PERMA Model
The PERMA Model is an acronym that represents:
- Positive emotions,
- Engagement,
- Relationships,
- Meaning, and
- Accomplishment.
In the PERMA model happiness is simply defined as flourishing through these areas.
Philosophical Definitions
Among the different philosophical definitions of happiness we have a few prominent theories:
- Flow: the state of complete mental absorption and focus, leading to feelings of happiness, meaning, and fulfillment.
- Stoicism: views happiness as arising from within through reasoned choice, acceptance of what’s outside one’s control (amor fati), and contentment with oneself.
- Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: proposes that happiness cannot be achieved until an individuals’ basic needs are met and they are able to explore higher level needs such as social belonging, relationships, and self actualization (i.e. meaning and accomplishment); which can lead to lasting happiness.
- Hedonic Treadmill: a theory that no matter what happens in life, we return to a baseline level of happiness. Regardless of positive events such as promotions, success of a loved one, personal achievement/milestones, etc your happiness levels rise temporarily, and then drop back down to baseline. The same applies for negative life experiences, you may drop in happiness, but you return to baseline over time.
The Happiness Equation
The author of Build The Life You Want, Arthur Brooks, said in an interview on the Diary of a CEO Podcast that happiness is an equation:
Happiness = (What You Have) – (What You Want)
Very simply, if what you want is more than what you have, then your happiness is negative. Where as if what you have is greater than what you want, your happiness is positive. Attaining this requires a shift in your mindset. You need to be able to want less and to appreciate what you do have.
That is simple enough, but don’t stop there!
What is it that you need to have to be happy? And, just as important, what is it that you need to not want so much to balance the happiness equation.
According to science, there are a few key areas to focus on for proven gains in happiness.
- Positive Social Relationships
- Gratitude
- Meaning and Purpose
- Physical Activity
- Economic Factors
- Resilience
I will dive a bit deeper into each of these below. But in short, you need to have more of the above traits, and less of most other things, particularly material things.
The Mindset Shift
Being happy can be a very active, intentional, choice driven state. I’m talking about the majority of healthy people. I’m not belittling depression or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), those are very important and real medical conditions for which you should seek medical attention.
That being said, for the bulk of the population, you can choose to be happy with some mindset shifts, and then focusing your efforts on the traits below.
Events Are Neutral
Life is full of neutral events – some good, some bad. Losing a job or winning an award are just events; it’s our reaction that gives them meaning and emotion. When we lose our job, for example, it can be a chance to re-evaluate priorities and pursue new opportunities. Conversely, a wonderful family dinner night out is also just an event – it’s our appreciation and gratitude that makes it special.
It’s up to us to choose how we react to life’s events. When faced with challenges like running late for work or stuck in traffic, we can let frustration and anger take over, or we can use the time to pause, breathe, and reflect on the good things in our lives. By taking control of our reactions and interpretations, we’re not just controlling how we feel – we’re also freeing ourselves from the influence of external events that might otherwise dictate our emotional state.
Remove Wants, Add Gratitude
This is a very simple, yet extremely powerful mindset shift that has snowballing positive effects.
When you remove wants and add gratitude you shift the Happiness Equation in your favour. When you appreciate what you have and reduce what you want, the magnitude of your happiness increases.
Powerful tools to achieve this mindset shift are: meditation and mindfulness.
- Meditation: one of the purposes of meditation is to help you to be present in the moment, to anchor your focus in the present and allow all other thoughts to pass over your focus. In this state you do not experience wants, or desires; and if you do you are trained to allow them to pass.
- Mindfulness: with mindfulness you are going about your day with intentional awareness of your situation and surroundings. Something as simple as washing your dishes after dinner: being mindful that you’re healthy enough to stand and wash dishes by hand, perhaps that your wrists are not throbbing with arthritis, that you have clean, warm running water to wash dishes with, that you are fortunate enough to have ate a healthy meal when many go hungry, etc. Doing this throughout your day, even for brief moments, allows you to truly appreciate what you have. This also serves to distract you from thinking about wants, like “I wish I had a dishwasher”.
Removing wants and adding gratitude takes practice. Keep practicing. You’ll never have it perfect, but you can asymptotically approach it.
Positive Social Relationships
The evidence seems to suggest that positive social relationships are a big contributor to overall ratings of happiness.
Positive social relationships are a vital component of happiness. When we surround ourselves with loving, supportive, and understanding people, it can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being. Social connections provide us with a sense of belonging, validation, and purpose, which can boost our mood and overall satisfaction with life. By investing in nurturing relationships with family, friends, and community members, we can cultivate a strong support network that helps us navigate life’s challenges.
Having positive social relationships also enhances our emotional intelligence, empathy, and self-esteem. When we feel seen, heard, and valued by others, it reinforces our sense of worth and confidence. This, in turn, allows us to be more open-minded, compassionate, and resilient in the face of adversity. Moreover, social connections can provide opportunities for shared experiences, laughter, and learning, which further contribute to feelings of joy and happiness.
While everyone’s relationships are unique, research suggests that having at least a few close, supportive relationships is crucial for our overall well-being. By prioritizing positive social connections and nurturing meaningful relationships, we can create a foundation for lasting happiness and fulfillment in life.
Gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful catalyst for happiness, as it helps us focus on the good things in our lives rather than dwelling on what’s lacking. By cultivating a sense of appreciation and thankfulness, we can shift our attention away from negative thoughts and emotions, and towards the positive aspects of our experiences. This mindset shift can lead to increased feelings of joy, contentment, and well-being, as we begin to see the world in a more optimistic light.
Practicing gratitude also helps us develop a greater sense of self-awareness and perspective. When we focus on what we’re thankful for, we become more aware of our blessings and less focused on our perceived shortcomings. This can lead to a greater sense of humility, compassion, and empathy towards ourselves and others. Moreover, research has shown that regularly practicing gratitude can even have physical health benefits, such as lower blood pressure and stronger immune systems.
By incorporating gratitude into our daily lives, we can create a habit of appreciation that helps us navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and positivity. Whether it’s through journaling, sharing thanks with loved ones, or simply taking time each day to reflect on the good things in our lives, cultivating gratitude is a simple yet powerful way to cultivate lasting happiness and well-being.
Loosely related to journaling, you can check out my article on “Why Write? The Lost Art of Thinking” for my take on writing.
Meaning and Purpose
Meaning and purpose are essential components of happiness, as they give our lives direction, significance, and fulfillment. When we have a sense of purpose, we feel more motivated to pursue our goals and values, and we’re more likely to experience a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. This is because having a clear sense of meaning gives us a reason to get up in the morning, to work towards something greater than ourselves, and to make a positive impact on the world.
Having meaning and purpose also helps us navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and optimism. When we’re focused on our goals and values, we’re more likely to see obstacles as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than as threats to our well-being. Moreover, research has shown that people who have a sense of purpose tend to live longer, healthier lives, and experience greater overall satisfaction with life.
Finding meaning and purpose can take many forms, whether it’s through work, relationships, personal passions, or contributions to the community. The key is to identify what gives our lives significance and fulfillment, and to pursue it with passion and dedication. By doing so, we can create a sense of direction and motivation that guides us towards happiness and fulfillment.
Physical Health
Physical health is a fundamental component of happiness, as it enables us to engage fully in life’s experiences and relationships. When we’re in good physical health, we feel more energized, motivated, and confident, which can have a positive impact on our mental well-being and overall quality of life. On the other hand, chronic illness or pain can be a significant source of stress, anxiety, and sadness.
Research has shown that regular exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep are all critical for maintaining good physical health, and can even help to boost happiness levels. Exercise, in particular, has been shown to release endorphins, which are natural mood-boosters that can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. Moreover, being physically active can also provide opportunities for social interaction, such as joining a sports team or fitness class, which can further contribute to feelings of happiness and belonging.
While physical health is not the sole determinant of happiness, it’s clear that taking care of our bodies is essential for maintaining overall well-being and quality of life. By prioritizing healthy habits and seeking medical attention when needed, we can reduce the risk of chronic illness and promote a greater sense of vitality and happiness.
Economic Factors
Economic stability is often seen as a key factor in achieving happiness, but it’s more complex than simply having a high income or material possessions. While some level of financial security can provide peace of mind and reduce stress, excessive focus on wealth and consumption can actually undermine happiness. Research has shown that once basic needs are met, additional income does not necessarily lead to greater happiness.
In fact, the pursuit of wealth and material possessions can often create a never-ending cycle of dissatisfaction, as we continually strive for more. Moreover, economic insecurity or poverty can be a significant source of stress and anxiety, making it challenging to feel happy and fulfilled. On the other hand, economic stability can provide a sense of freedom and security, allowing individuals to pursue their passions and interests without financial burdens.
A more nuanced approach to understanding the relationship between economics and happiness suggests that what matters most is not the absolute level of wealth or income, but rather our relative position within society and our access to basic needs such as food, shelter, healthcare, and education. When these needs are met, individuals can focus on other aspects of life that bring them joy and fulfillment, leading to greater overall happiness and well-being.
Resilience
Resilience is a critical component of happiness, as it enables us to bounce back from adversity and overcome challenges that might otherwise derail our well-being. Resilient individuals are able to adapt to changing circumstances, reframe negative experiences, and find opportunities for growth and learning in difficult situations.
A classic example of resilience can be seen in the life of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. In 1921, at the age of 39, he was diagnosed with polio, which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Despite this devastating diagnosis, FDR refused to give up on his dreams and ambitions. Instead, he used his newfound disability as an opportunity to reframe his perspective and adapt to new challenges. As he famously said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” He continued to serve as Governor of New York and eventually became President of the United States, all while seated in a special wheelchair.
FDR’s remarkable resilience and optimism inspired a nation during some of its most challenging times, including the Great Depression and World War II. His example shows that even in the face of adversity, we have the power to choose how we respond and what we achieve. By cultivating resilience through practices such as reframing negative thoughts, practicing self-care, and seeking support from loved ones, we can develop a greater capacity for coping with life’s challenges and finding happiness despite obstacles.
Thieves of joy
Maintaining positivity and joy requires constant vigilance against all too many antagonists of happiness. These common predators include: negative self-talk, perfectionism, comparisons, fear and anxiety, resentment and grudges.
- Negative self-talk: Criticizing or beating yourself up over small mistakes or perceived shortcomings.
- Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic expectations for yourself or others, leading to disappointment and frustration.
- Comparisons: Constantly comparing your life, accomplishments, or possessions with those of others, often in a way that makes you feel inadequate or less successful. This is a huge feature (and problem) of social media.
- Fear and anxiety: Allowing fear, worry, or anxiety to control your thoughts and actions, preventing you from taking risks or enjoying the present moment.
- Resentment and grudges: Holding onto resentment towards others, situations, or yourself, which can lead to emotional pain and prevent happiness.
Avoid these as much as possible for a life filled with happiness.
Conclusion
Happiness is not a mysterious or unattainable state; it is a combination of mindset, intentional actions, and the cultivation of meaningful habits and relationships. The journey to happiness begins with understanding that it is not tied to external circumstances or fleeting pleasures. Instead, happiness is a practice—a deliberate effort to focus on gratitude, nurture positive social connections, pursue purpose and meaning, and maintain physical and mental well-being.
By shifting our perspective to appreciate what we have, reducing unnecessary wants, and embracing a proactive approach to life, we can align with the happiness equation: Happiness = (What You Have) – (What You Want). The tools are within our grasp: mindfulness, meditation, gratitude, resilience, and a commitment to personal growth. These practices, grounded in scientific evidence, offer a roadmap to greater well-being and a more fulfilling life.
Happiness is not something we passively receive; it is something we actively build. The butterflies of joy will come when we grow the garden of our lives with intention, care, and gratitude. By focusing on what truly matters, we can create lasting happiness that transcends the ups and downs of life and enriches every moment.